what's your impossible?
September 2, 2024
"You'll never run again."
I remember the brain spasms that went off in my head as I lay in a hospital bed 15 years ago. This, I was told by not one but by several doctors and physical therapists. Everyone around me seemed to agree. At the time, I wasn’t capable of wrapping my head around it, but I 100% felt the gut kick.
I took their words as truth. They were the medical experts after all, and I was in the most vulnerable state of my life.
Fast forward 15 years → I raced my first Half Marathon this summer.
I accomplished something once thought of as ‘impossible’ by my medical team - and myself.
"You’ll never run again.”
What if I would have believed them and not in myself? What if I would have taken those statements as absolute? For a long time, I did.
Running a ½ marathon on pavement was NOT something I thought I could or would ever do again. It wasn’t even a hope! After being brutally injured, and undergoing spinal and knee reconstructive surgery, a wheelchair and walker were my new normal and how I got around for months. I had to relearn how to walk again. I’d literally tell my body to move, and it didn’t know how.
At the starting line, pre-race jitters accompanied quite a bit of self-doubt. Would my body hold up? Would it fail? “Oh God, this is going to hurt!” Considering the amount of metal in my knee and spine, most of my running had been on trails or a treadmill, my longest run on pavement being 8 miles. How would my body handle this distance? I was about to find out!
The gun went off @ 7 am in Teton Village, the base of Jackson Hole’s iconic ski mountain. It was a brisk, clear, brilliant June morning. Absolutely gorgeous with breathtaking views of the Tetons rising from the valley. The pulse of adrenaline filled me. “I can’t believe I’m doing this!” Once I got moving, the jitters gradually took a back seat and I settled into a nice tempo, feeling my body - hoping it would carry me the entire way.
Memories and flashbacks began to flood in. Past races, people in my life, the accident, comments, uncertainty, drama and trauma, fear and years of self-doubt seemed to bubble up from the deep crevasses stored in my brain. “Am I really doing this right now?!”
Old, engrained desire to win surfaced and I thought, “I already won!”
"I already won…I already won…”
As soon as I connected with those words, my body eased and a smile arose on my face. I felt deep gratitude and appreciation for ALL the shit I had lived through to be running in that moment. All the fighting I did to survive. As I ran, I felt grounded and safe while simultaneously recalling how insecure I had been for what seemed like forever. The paradox jolted me - one of life’s Ah-Ha moments!
Truly enjoying the moment, I chatted with a few runners along the way, keeping my goal firmly in focus: “Stay steady, take it in, and finish.” I was in a state of flow: at the edge of pushing myself just enough to create a strong challenge of discomfort while being in the moment. Time disappeared. I felt connected, free, liberated, present.
I belonged.
I missed and craved this! This was healing. Nothing else mattered.
Around mile 10, my calves gripped and twitched. My mind struggled a bit. I deliberately turned towards my breath, taking a few big ones with long slow exhales. Release. Settle in. “Stay with it - proud of you.”
Whoa - "I'm proud of you!” Where did that thought come from?!
Never had that thought come up naturally on its own. Progress. And, the biggest victory - I let myself feel it.
In the past, I was so incredibly hard on myself. Letting in the good was something I deliberately practiced during my recovery. I felt a sense of pride that I continued to fight, to dream, to show up and try, and fail, and to keep going while caring for myself. I felt deep gratitude that I could run the entire way. I thought about the people who had helped me throughout my years of recovery. Said their names and images of them appeared in my head. I acknowledge that “thing” inside me that doesn't let me give up, thanking it. How cool was it to feel all those emotions during a moment I was consciously pushing myself? I could suffer with the best of them! All in an instant.
What I know to be true: as humans, we have 100% agency over what we get to decide, choose to believe, and how to live.
Yes, shit will happen - no one leaves this planet unscathed - but what we make life’s circumstances mean is within our control. No matter how bad it gets, or how good it gets (for those of us who sabotage the good!) - how we view life, our past - our future - our now - It is all an inside job. Freedom to decide. And that is the truth.
Deep joy filled me as I crossed the finish line. It was fun to share it with Mark, my husband, and my friend Evan...plus some new folks who just learned of my accident and wanted to offer their support. It was icing on the cake - because the deep sense of joy was within! I had already won. To me, it’s what life is all about.
Taking risks - putting yourself out there. Struggling. Never giving up. No matter how bad it gets, even in the face of paralyzing fear and uncertainty.
I accomplished what I once believed to be impossible. Wow. What a gift. To others, it might not be a big deal, but it doesn’t matter. For me, I gained a new level of confidence, trust, and belief in myself.
What’s your “impossible?”
